from the great man himself!

Tommy Cooper - a selection of his wise sayings.


"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

if you enjoy, more to follow

:haha::haha::haha

Classics, can't beat em.... heard a few recently but carry on :)

Tommy Cooper was THE man. Superb.

Hahaha...I love the Chinese one and the...well no they are all pretty great!

My teeth itch!
I went to the dentist today he said "My teeth are fine but my gums have got to come out!!"
Har Har.
The man is a legend!!

Classic jokey :)

My fave...

I was with the wife in the loft the other day with ...damp,filthy dirty, covered in cobwebs...but she's good to the kids....

gawd bless him.

Wonderfull. !!

love it!

one of my Tommy Cooper favourites was (something like this anyway):

A man went up to the hotel looking for a room for the night. Front door was locked so he walked round the back. Noticed a lady in the kitchen so he attracted her attention.

"what do you want?" she asked.

"I want to stay here" he replied.

"Well stay there then"

cont.

"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"


"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"


"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

one more........for now

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "


"No, because he's really heavy"