JACK: They lie in wait like wolves. The smell of blood in their nostrils. Waiting, intermidibly waiting. And then...

DOUGAL: He's right Ted.

"Would you like a cup of tea father?
ah go on,
go on,
go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on....."

TED: Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and
become a priest?

TED: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These (pointing to plastic cows on table) are very small; those
(pointing at cows in field ) are far away...

Put your clothes back on Carol, I can't concentrate.

Dougal:
I'm no good at judging the size of crowds Ted, but I'd say there's about seventeen million of them out there

I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests...
...More drink!

That would be an Ecunumical (sp?) matter.

Oh it's a filthy, dirty business, sex. Can you imagine, Father. Your husband standing over you with
his lead in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself. I want you to get a good clear picture. can you imagine that now Father?

It has the body of a spider, but the MIND of a baby.

fek!

i have a lovely horse ...

i'm going to cut father jacks nails. dougel fetch the crash helmets.

"Down with this sort of thing"

"I hear you're a racist now father"

"what about 'i love my horse'

actually dougel we really want to stay away from the whole 'love' my horse. stick to 'i like my horse and want to ran around with him'.

"Look Ted, a mobile phone"

"Dougal, it's a dogs toy"

Lil' al spouted:
TED: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These (pointing to plastic cows on table) are very small; those
(pointing at cows in field ) are far away...



.........that is the best of all, I love that scene!!!

Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right

Dougal: Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?
Ted: Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even a scary film.
Dougal: Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that isn't scary, I don't know what is.

Fr.Jack: Rats! Hairy Japanese bastards!


(In the one with all the rabbits)

Ted: What was it he (Jack) used to say about the needy? He had a term for them.

Dougal: A shower of bastards.

You know what Ted, I really hope you win.
Do you Dick Burne?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

FLOOR! COR-TAINS! GOBSHITE!


FECK! NUNS! REVERSE, REVERSE!

DON'T TELL ME IM STILL ON THAT FECKING ISLAND!!!!

"Would that be a nudey type of thing then father?"
"Eff you. Eff your effin wife. You big bollocks. Get your bollocks out of my face"
"What would you say to a nice cup of tea" -"Feck off, cup"

I like these Quote-a-thons, they're almost like an amnesty for geeks.

NUDEY FATHER JACK!!!

dominoid spouted:
"Down with this sort of thing"

"Careful Now!"

When the american priests tries to convince Father Ted to join him in L.A: there will be plenty of rewards...
f.t: (rolling eyes) yeah, spiritual rewards
american priest: no, the real kind!

Dougal: God, Ted. D'you remember that feller who was so good at fashion they had to shoot him?


Dougal: Hello there Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you little prick. Refer to me as 'Bishop Brennan'!
Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.

Ted: So there he is. Risen from the dead. Like that feller.... E.T.

Mrs Doyle: What would you say to a nice cup of tea, father?

Jack: FECK OFF CUP

Father Todd Unctious : Still got that big oul hairy erse Ted?

Mrs Doyle: "You've never read any of her books have you Father? Oh, the language. It was a bit much for me Father. Feck this, and feck that. Ya big bastard, aw dreadful language. You big hairy arse, you big fecker. Fierce stuff. And of course the 'F' word Father. The BAD 'F' word. Worse than feck. You know the one I mean. F you, F your F'in wife. Oh I don't know why they have to use language like that. I'll stick this F'in pitch fork up your hole, oh that was another one. Bastard this and bastard that. You can't get move because of the amount of bastards in her novels, it's wall to wall bastards...you bastard... You fecker. you bollox. Get your bollox out of my face. Ride me sideways was another one."

Ted: "Why did you call the rabiit 'Sampras', Dougal?"
Dougal: "Oh, you know that whole Tennis Player/Rabbit thing."

IIIIIIII doooooooon't beeeeeeeliiiiiiieeeeeeeevvvvveeeeeee it!

Mrs Doyle:

You bollix. You big bollix. You fecker. Get your bollix out of my face

"i love my brick"
"big bras"
"nan, no father it's nun. aggghhh"

"Nuns!! reverse reverse"

"Why does july the 13th stick in my mind?"
"I dont know ted you big bollocks"
"I beg your paron?"
"I said I dont know you big bollocks!"
"Dougle have you been reading thoose Rodie dowle books again?"

"i am soo, soo, sorry"
"now thats sarcasm dougal"

"i am a bishop you little bollocks"
"oh right well done"

"arse biscuits"

Dougal, drunk:"whey hey lads...were all going to Heaven"

I'm a happy camper.

"And what do you think will be behind the advent calendar window, Father Jack?"

"A pair of fecking women's knickers"

ted: oh look. there's victor meldrew. i bet if i went up to him and said 'i don't belieeeeeeve it he'll find it extrmemely funny

dougel: haha. yeah ted. he'll love that.

ted to meldrew: i don't belieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve it.

meldrew proceeds to kick seven shades of shi-ite out of ted.

Dont Remember It Exactly, But It Goes Summing Like...

Were Here Father Jack...

What?
Where?
Who?
I Like Cake
Are Those My Feet?

Ted: "Once again you've made me look like a complete fool in front of real people."


Mrs Doyle: "Now ye will have a cup of tea wont ye father. Its got cocaine in it.."

Dougal: Ted, did you ever see the film where yer man has the head of a fly and his head is transplanted onto the fly's body?

Ted: Oh right, what was that called again?

Dougal: "Out of Africa" I think. Anyway, yer man has the head of a fly and he's chasing his wife all over the place and she's hiding the jam and everything so he won't get stuck in it and...."

Ted: I'll have to stop you there Dougal.

Dougal: Yes Ted?

Ted: No reason, I just have to stop you.


<A one word film. Can't be many of them. Salems Lot?>

EOIN: I've no willy!

That money was just RESTING in my account.


<Good long rest Ted>


A load of people telling you their sins....who'd be bothered with that?

You mean...

Yes, WE PUT THE BRICK ON THE ACCELERATOR!

"First Priest to denounce the Beatles. He could see what they were up to!"


Father Jack dreaming about judging a wet T-shirt competition: "More water!"

"Its Irelands Largest Lengerie Section...

Or So I'm Told"

Father, can Pat Mustard put his enormous tool in my box?

Ted, Ted, wait'll you hear this! You are not going to believe this. Clint Eastwood has been arrested for a crime he didn't...... oh, wait, no, it's a film.

I LOVE MY BRICK

Lets have a screeching competition

Is it dubbed or subtitled?

I hate the greeks father, they invented Gayness!

"He'd be like one of those mad fellas. Like Hitler."

"Oh worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at 3am."

"Sure didn't our lord take time out on the cross to enjoy a nice cup of tea."

"Sack me? SACK ME!? How dare they. Bunch of bastards. What the hell is going on......"