neildeal
Jun 18, 2004, 11:41
Are you Emile Heskey?
Take this test to see whether you are indeed the lump Emile Heskey or
infact a half-decent player who actually produces the goods that your position requires...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. You are through on goal with only the keeper and a defender left to
beat. The last defender is only 5'3" and seven stone. What happens next?
a) You round him easily and take the keeper on one-to-one, then calmly
chip
the ball over his head into the empty net.
b) Take the defender on for speed and skin him, then round the keeper and
walk the ball confidently into the goal.
c) The defender accidentally blows on you as he gets within three
yards...and you fall over, flat on your great big fat hairy arse. Then
it's
both arms up and face pulled in the hope that the referee will give you
the
most unlikely penalty ever awarded.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
2. Would you describe yourself as a prolific goalscorer?
a) Yes.
b) No, but you have scored more than your fair share in your career.
c) Would you fuck. If you're a prolific goalscorer then Mandy Smith's a
beached whale.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
3. You are walking down the street one day when a bird shits on you from
overhead. How do you react to this?
a) Smile and see the funny side of it.
b) Wipe it off gingerly and look to the skies in disgust.
c) Fall over on the spot as though you've just been snipered through the
head with a hunting rifle. Then roll over and demand that the bird be sent
off.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
4. How quickly can you run the 100 metres?
a) Very quickly, with a best time of 10.3 seconds.
b) Quite fast, though you can only manage it in just over 11 seconds.
c) "Run"? What the fuck is that? You mean waddle along like a big fat sack
of shit on a skateboard....?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
5. During a match, a high ball is crossed to you in the penalty area. How
do you head the ball?
a) With extreme power and accuracy.
b) Quite powerfully and with some degree of accuracy, though heading has
never been your strongest point.
c) With your arse...because you've been upended again by some three-foot
dwarf defender from West Brom.
------------------------------------------------------------------------>
6. A long ball is played up to you from defence. It's a fair distance
ahead
of you, so what do you do?
a) Get your head down and set off at full pace, reaching it just before it
goes out of play for a goal-kick.
b) Try to make it to the ball, because the cause is never lost. It's
always
worth making the effort.
c) Nothing. Just stand there like a great big fat soft-arsed twat.
------------------------------------------------------------------------>
7. During a match you are involved in a bruising challenge with a smaller
player from the opposition. Which of these is the most likely outcome?
a) The player bounces off your huge frame and knocks himself out, has to
leave the field and is out through injury for several weeks.
b) The opposing player is slightly shaken, though not badly hurt, and from
then on he makes sure he doesn't do it again.
c) You are incongruously bounced fifty feet in the air and land in Row Z,
where you suffer a broken face, three dislocated teeth, etc.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
8. Your nickname at your former club was "Bruno". Why was this?
a) Because Bruno is such a macho sounding name and goes with your hulking
appearance.
b) Because your aggressive approach reminds you of the old St Bernard dog
off the St Bruno adverts - big, strong, relentless and tough as old boots.
c) Because of the boxer, Frank Bruno, and the fact that he was useless
twat
who kept falling flat on his arse for no reason as well.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. What has been the biggest effect since your transfer to Liverpool?
a) The higher profile and the greater expectations of the fans.
b) Just the fact that you are playing for one of most famous clubs in
history.
c) Earthquakes in the Merseyside area have increased by 3,000% because of
your great big fat arse hitting the deck so many times. Much more of it
and
they'll be pulling the stands down due to foundation damage.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
ANSWERS:
Mainly a: You're not Emile Heskey.
Mainly b: Neither are you.
Mainly c: Well done, you are Emile Heskey and you're fucking crap
Take this test to see whether you are indeed the lump Emile Heskey or
infact a half-decent player who actually produces the goods that your position requires...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. You are through on goal with only the keeper and a defender left to
beat. The last defender is only 5'3" and seven stone. What happens next?
a) You round him easily and take the keeper on one-to-one, then calmly
chip
the ball over his head into the empty net.
b) Take the defender on for speed and skin him, then round the keeper and
walk the ball confidently into the goal.
c) The defender accidentally blows on you as he gets within three
yards...and you fall over, flat on your great big fat hairy arse. Then
it's
both arms up and face pulled in the hope that the referee will give you
the
most unlikely penalty ever awarded.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
2. Would you describe yourself as a prolific goalscorer?
a) Yes.
b) No, but you have scored more than your fair share in your career.
c) Would you fuck. If you're a prolific goalscorer then Mandy Smith's a
beached whale.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
3. You are walking down the street one day when a bird shits on you from
overhead. How do you react to this?
a) Smile and see the funny side of it.
b) Wipe it off gingerly and look to the skies in disgust.
c) Fall over on the spot as though you've just been snipered through the
head with a hunting rifle. Then roll over and demand that the bird be sent
off.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
4. How quickly can you run the 100 metres?
a) Very quickly, with a best time of 10.3 seconds.
b) Quite fast, though you can only manage it in just over 11 seconds.
c) "Run"? What the fuck is that? You mean waddle along like a big fat sack
of shit on a skateboard....?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
5. During a match, a high ball is crossed to you in the penalty area. How
do you head the ball?
a) With extreme power and accuracy.
b) Quite powerfully and with some degree of accuracy, though heading has
never been your strongest point.
c) With your arse...because you've been upended again by some three-foot
dwarf defender from West Brom.
------------------------------------------------------------------------>
6. A long ball is played up to you from defence. It's a fair distance
ahead
of you, so what do you do?
a) Get your head down and set off at full pace, reaching it just before it
goes out of play for a goal-kick.
b) Try to make it to the ball, because the cause is never lost. It's
always
worth making the effort.
c) Nothing. Just stand there like a great big fat soft-arsed twat.
------------------------------------------------------------------------>
7. During a match you are involved in a bruising challenge with a smaller
player from the opposition. Which of these is the most likely outcome?
a) The player bounces off your huge frame and knocks himself out, has to
leave the field and is out through injury for several weeks.
b) The opposing player is slightly shaken, though not badly hurt, and from
then on he makes sure he doesn't do it again.
c) You are incongruously bounced fifty feet in the air and land in Row Z,
where you suffer a broken face, three dislocated teeth, etc.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
8. Your nickname at your former club was "Bruno". Why was this?
a) Because Bruno is such a macho sounding name and goes with your hulking
appearance.
b) Because your aggressive approach reminds you of the old St Bernard dog
off the St Bruno adverts - big, strong, relentless and tough as old boots.
c) Because of the boxer, Frank Bruno, and the fact that he was useless
twat
who kept falling flat on his arse for no reason as well.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. What has been the biggest effect since your transfer to Liverpool?
a) The higher profile and the greater expectations of the fans.
b) Just the fact that you are playing for one of most famous clubs in
history.
c) Earthquakes in the Merseyside area have increased by 3,000% because of
your great big fat arse hitting the deck so many times. Much more of it
and
they'll be pulling the stands down due to foundation damage.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
ANSWERS:
Mainly a: You're not Emile Heskey.
Mainly b: Neither are you.
Mainly c: Well done, you are Emile Heskey and you're fucking crap