Fastest Response in teh email! [Archive]

Minx

Mar 2, 2006, 15:28

Sent to Iceland Customer Services.

Gosh, what a tiny box!

Dear Iceland,

As a busy mum of 4 glorious reprobates of teenagers who will pretty much eat anything you throw at them as long as its food-based, I have long found your shop a valuable resource for filling my fast-emptying freezer.

However, I cant help but become increasingly disturbed by your insistence on using that awful Katona woman in your advertising. Your average busy mum does not have the time or available loose change to dive into rehab when times get a bit rough. Nor do we swan around our sumptuous accomodation in evening wear and trainers, whilst handing out canapés to our guests. If you think the average busy mum identifies with Ms Katona then I'm afraid you are dreadfully underselling yourselves.

I am aware that she became popular after winning popular ITV1 reality show "Im A Celebrity" but that was several years and Carol Thatchers ago, and frankly her reputation has not lasted as an all round supermum and fabulous role model.

I feel you are doing yourselves a great disservice by using Ms Katona in your marketing, and would be much happier if you considered using someone a little more up to date and reputation free, such as perhaps Bonnie Langford, or Tess Daly. Or maybe you could get Bob Geldof, he would make an excellent spokesperson for busy parents.

I hope you forgive my forwardness, but frankly, shes putting me off shopping with you.

Yours,

Isla-Kay Keating (Mrs)

sallyride

Mar 2, 2006, 15:31

This has been bugging me.

Sent to the Oxford University Press

I HATE it when books don't list the credits of their cover art, i'm excited about this one.

the ambivilent bastards.

/edit dammit, duh me

but they're still ambivilent bastards
with their tiny printing

TEAM EDNA

Mar 2, 2006, 15:32

3g minxer that is a work of art.
I look forward to their answer :))

fool's paradise

Mar 2, 2006, 15:41

I HATE it when books don't list the credits of their cover art, i'm excited about this one.

the ambivilent bastards.

Already posted the reply ;)They were right The Major was wrong. It is printed in the smallest possible typeset in a very silly place.

TEAM EDNA

Mar 2, 2006, 15:45

Could more people please email Iceland?
Im curious if we could get the ads stopped, how many complaints do you think it would take?

Perhaps a new thread? Mission: Kerry Katona.????

Minx

Mar 2, 2006, 15:49

Confucius he say, slow drips make little noise and can flood a floor, fast tap will be noticed and switched off quickly.

If people genuinely want to email iceland customer services about Kerry Katona please do so. Lets not be seen to be spamming them too hard though eh?

TEAM EDNA

Mar 2, 2006, 15:51

er yeah fair point.

I meant every word I sent tho ;)

Minx

Mar 2, 2006, 15:52

So did I :D

I expect they get a fair bit of it anyway :D

No reply yet.

TEAM EDNA

Mar 2, 2006, 15:56

You should get it tomorrow ;)

TEAM EDNA

Mar 4, 2006, 12:59

Any reply yet?

I have just sent this to Lucoazde.
On the side of your bottles there is a warning of sorts saying that Lucozade is not appropiate for replacing the fluid lost during diarrhoea.
Why is this? Have I have a stomach bug Lucoazade is all I really want to drink.

Minx

Mar 4, 2006, 13:09

:( no reply yet.

Minx

Mar 4, 2006, 15:43

REPLY!

Good afternoon Isla-Kay,

Thank you for contacting us about our current advertising campaign.

As a customer of Iceland, you will know that we provide nutritious, good
value food at clear cut prices to meet the needs of busy families.

A large proportion of our customers are busy mums and we wanted to
acknowledge that in our adverts. Kerry is a busy mum. She is devoted to her
children and like any parent, juggling a busy life whilst looking after the
children.

Customer feedback is very important to us at Iceland and we appreciate you
taking the trouble to contact us on this subject.

As a valued customer, we really hope that you can appreciate our current
advertising stance, and will continue to enjoy the clear cut prices and
bigger value better products available in your local Iceland store.

Thank you for taking the time and trouble to let us know your views.

Kind regards,

Lee
Iceland Customer Care

WOW.

They have lots of different people to say exactly the same thing, don't they!

I think I will write back.

Minx

Mar 4, 2006, 16:06

Reply

Dear Lee,

Thankyou for your prompt reply to my original enquiry about Kerry Katonas use in your advertising. However, you have failed to address any of the points I have made, and I feel almost as though you have just sent me a stock reply that you send to any old person that complains, because in some cases you seem to have completely ignored my original comments.

Im sure you did want to appeal to busy mums as your target audience. I am one of them. You are not appealing to me with your use of Ms Katona in your advertising. She may have had limited marketing use in the immediate aftermath of I'm A Celebrity, but since then she has been nothing more than mere tabloid fodder, and most of it negative. Whilst some or all of this may not be true, I can't help but be influenced by them when seeing her in your advertising. I'm sure you can understand that, after all, you want me to be influenced by your advertising enough to shop with you, so you can understand that other media factors also influence ones thinking from time to time.

As a busy mum myself, although admittedly without the priviliges and trappings of the heady world of celebrityism, I would be far more inclined to go shopping more with you if that dizzy overinflated minx was not gurning at me from all of your advertising and publicity.

Please find someone a little more wholesome and who not just the lower echelons of society can identify with. If my previous suggestions of Bonnie Langford and Sir Bob Geldof were not to your taste (I imagine Sir Bob is a little on the pricey side, to be fair, but Bonnie should be fair game once she wins that ice skating show later,) how about someone else? Tony Robinson is always a crowd pleaser, and Im sure Anne Diamond could do with the work.

Please dont imagine that I have a problem with her being common. I do not, Im a thoroughbred northerner myself.

I just dont have the ability to see this particular individual as a role model for my shopping.

Anyway, think about it. I dont expect a reply, although I'd be delighted to hear from you again, Lee.

Yours as ever, Isla-Kay

TEAM EDNA

Mar 6, 2006, 13:32

Got one back from Lucozade regarding their nectar and the squits.

Dear Edna,

Thank you for your recent enquiry regarding Lucozade.

Lucozade is a high energy drink which is palatable to healthy individuals and during illness and convalescence.

Lucozade is not a suitable drink during episodes of diarrhoea. During diarrhoea a great deal of fluid and electrolytes (particularly sodium) are lost from the body. Because Lucozade is a high carbohydrate energy drink and contains relatively low levels of electrolytes, it is not suitable for fluid and electrolyte replacement. Therefore, it is not recommended during diarrhoea and for this reason we have added the statement to the labels.

Regards,

Consumer Relations

Suggestions for the next email Anyone?

Minx

Mar 6, 2006, 13:57

Iceland Reply!

Good afternoon Isla-Kay

Thank you for your e mail.

Lee isn't working today so I am answering his e mails. We do take all our
customers views and comments very seriously. Where we can we try our best
to act on them.

I will ensure that your further comments are passed to our marketing
manager as I realise that you feel very strongly about this.

I did note in your first e mail that you said that you just put any food in
front of your teenagers and they eat it. What's your secret. I have two
very fussy teenage girls.

Once again, thank you for your comments.

Kind regards

Jane
Iceland customer care

Upstepper

Mar 6, 2006, 14:00

Dear Nestle
I understand you are responsible for production of the KitKat bar and I wonder if you can help me out.
Three years and four months ago my Mother-In-Law moved in with us as I had been led to believe she was very ill and did not have long to live. After a few months the deceit became obvious and it was clear that she had senile dementia and little else. Naturally, I would not consider institutional care for her but she spends her days oblivious to everything, sitting in the front lounge muttering.
In a lucid moment recently she asked for a KitKat bar which I was happy to buy for her but she has rejected it. My wife informs me that her mother thinks the KitKat is poisonous because it is not in a wrapper she recognises.
Can you point me to a supplier that sells KitKat bars with the red sleeve and silver foil wrapping as opposed to the new plastic wrapper on offer in my area. I am prepared to travel anywhere in the Midlands to collect it.
Your help would be appreciated as this situation is beginning to have an adverse effect on my otherwise peaceful home life.
Yours Sincerely
Steven Stevens (BA Hons)

I'll let you know how it goes.

Lurk

Mar 6, 2006, 14:57

They no longer make the foil wrappers. A big part of this is because prisoners were using the foil from kit kat wrappers to smoke heroin with. :fact:

TEAM EDNA

Mar 6, 2006, 15:07

Iceland Reply!

Stunning result there 3G, good work :)

TEAM EDNA

Mar 6, 2006, 20:14

Sent to Dairy Crest.

I recently purchased a 500g tub of vitalite and was shocked to see that it contains no dairy.
How and why do you do this? I realise that it is a sunflower oil based spread but surely it should still be dairy based?
You also state that is naturally rich in vitamins but without dairy it is lacking in calcium.
How long has vitalite been dairy free? and are there now more "man made" ingredients than naturally grown and harvested products?

In the age Gm foods I am shocked you have taken these steps.

Yours Mrs Edna Q Watkins.

TEAM EDNA

Mar 7, 2006, 11:13

Ask whoever makes peanut lion bars why they changed their recipe about two years ago and they need to change it back as the old one with the peanut butter through the middle was better.

Here ya go old boy. :)

Dear Edna

Thank you for your recent enquiry via email concerning Lion bar.

I am sorry to learn of your disappointment with your recent purchase and am
concerned that you feel there has been a deterioration in the quality of this
product, especially since so much effort has been made to improve it.

All proposed changes to our products are carefully tested and researched and the
new recipe for Lion bar performed very well. We regret that you do not agree
with these findings - with any change to a long established product there will,
inevitably, be some loyal users who will be upset. We try very hard to keep
this number to a minimum and ensure that the majority of consumers are
satisfied. We hope you will accept our apologies if, in your experience, we
have failed to do so.

Thank you once again for taking the trouble to contact us. We hope that you will
not be disappointed by our products in the future.

Kind regards

Karen Short
Consumer Services
Nestle UK Ltd

madpinkflamingo

Mar 7, 2006, 12:22

I have today sent this to Lenor In The Pink - Proctor and Gamble if you will. I'll let you know what happens.

I really must complain regarding the Lenor in the Pink adverts and logo.

I am a (fairly attractive) teacher at a boys inner city comprehensive school whose name happens to be Miss Pink.

There have been more than several smutty remarks taken from your advertising campaign 'Lifes great when youre in the Pink'. Needless to say, I am hoping this will diminish given time, but I wonder if you could reassure me as to the timetabling of your continuous advertising campaign using this slogan.

As well as this, I find it extremely annoying that women should be pandered to with an aroma of mango or whatever it is, and a woman in a revolting pink dress. I dont want to drink the stuff, I want to soften my clothes with it. And I certainly dont want some woman with appalling fashion sense parading herself across the screen. May I suggest you and your advertising agency look around at the women buying Lenor in supermarkets and see if they resemble this creature you have lured from the bowels of a middle class drama school.

Who on earth dreams up this rubbish.

Hoping for a speedy reply (my nerves are shattered)

Clarissa Pink - Northamptonshire.

Mr. Biscuit

Mar 7, 2006, 12:44

re. Walthamstow postal service E17

I have two serious questions to ask you:

1) If it takes 24 hours for a delivery from Play.com in Jersey to reach my address in Walthamstow, London, please could you explain why, when I am not in for the delivery, it takes 48 hours for it to get back to the sorting office for me to collect it, which is less than five minutes walk away?

2) Any attempted parcel delivery during the week is now made at around 11.00 when most people (including myself) are at work. Could you please explain why a Saturday parcel delivery has to be made by ringing doorbells at 7.00 in the morning, when it is clear that most people will be in and around the home for much of the day at weekends?

I am not being flippant here; both questions are a source of great annoyance to myself and many people I know, and hopefully by bringing them to your attention you can address just one of the many aspects of what is commonly acknowledged as the overall decline in the service of the Post Office.

Sincerely yours.

Richard Ellis

TEAM EDNA

Mar 7, 2006, 15:00

A speedy but dodgy reply from dairy crest

Good afternoon

Thank you for your email.

Vitalite has not contained any dairy ingredients for a number of years.

It offers our consumers who are unable to eat dairy products an alternative
choice of spread.

I hope this has answered your question.

Kind regards
Heather Hamer
Consumer Care Advisor

I am going to email back and point out that she didnt really answer my questions regarding the amount of man made ingredients or the amazing list of vitamins contained within.

Edit replied with:
good afternoon Heather

Thank you for the speedy reply.
I understand that it would work for Vegans and people with dairy allergies.
I dont understand how I have never noticed that it contains no dairy after all this time, have you changed the packaging slightly?
Anyway you didnt really answer my questions regarding "man made" ingredients additives and such like.

Edna Watkins

Didnt mention the vitamins like a pleb, nevermind I will see what she comes back with first :\

Kinky McFoxxy

Mar 7, 2006, 20:25

To Iceland:

I am finding it increasingly offputting that you continue to use Kerry Katona in your advertising. Her gurning grin and flabby cleavage put me off my crispy pancakes. From now on I shall only be buying fresh produce as Ms Katona's subliminal omnipresence in your stores has put me off frozen goods for good.

Mrs Ethel Duguid

Upstepper

Mar 7, 2006, 23:04

Nothing back from Nestle so I'll start on Proctor and Gamble.
Dear Proctor and Gamble
My daughter is at a difficult age and has teamed up with some likeminded boys at her university to campaign against the use of animals to test products. It has made me aware that were it not for such tests I might find myself placing noxious and dangerous substances against my skin with a potential danger to my health. Her continual bitching about the welfare of rodents has led me to understand the importance of testing products on animals for my safety.
Can you assure me that you will continue to test your products on whatever animals give best results, monkeys are probably the most reliable, in order that I can help my daughter see sense.
S. Waugh. (DipSW)

enourmous david

Mar 8, 2006, 00:07

Upstepper, thats excellent.

madpinkflamingo

Mar 12, 2006, 15:04

remember me emailing Proctor and Gamble about their In the Pink ads?

I really must complain regarding the Lenor in the Pink adverts and logo.

I am a (fairly attractive) teacher at a boys inner city comprehensive school
whose name happens to be Miss Pink.

There have been more than several smutty remarks taken from your advertising
campaign 'Lifes great when youre in the Pink'. Needless to say, I am hoping this
will diminish given time, but I wonder if you could reassure me as to the
timetabling of your continuous advertising campaign using this slogan.

As well as this, I find it extremely annoying that women should be pandered to
with an aroma of mango or whatever it is, and a woman in a revolting pink dress.
I dont want to drink the stuff, I want to soften my clothes with it. And I
certainly dont want some woman with appalling fashion sense parading herself
across the screen. May I suggest you and your advertising agency look around at
the women buying Lenor in supermarkets and see if they resemble this creature
you have lured from the bowels of a middle class drama school.

Who on earth dreams up this rubbish.

Hoping for a speedy reply (my nerves are shattered)

Clarissa Pink - Northamptonshire.

I got this back:

Hello and thankyou for your email.

We are sorry for the delay in replying to you. We have been experiencing
technical problems and have therefore been unable to respond to your email.

If you still need help, could I ask that you phone us using the following
freephone numbers:

UK 0800 085 2591
Eire 1800 509 810

Our lines are open Monday to Friday 9.00am to 5.00pm. We will be happy to hear
from you.

Thank you for your patience and interest in our products.

Kind regards,
Sarah
Consumer Relations Department

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Procter & Gamble UK: The Heights, Brooklands, Weybridge, Surrey, KT13 0XP

So I wrote back and said just reply to the email, I aint phoning, and they sent this back:

Response (RightNow Administrator) - 12/03/2006 10.26 AM
Hello and thanks for your email.

Regretfully due to server problems your original email is not available to us. Can we please ask that you resend your original message and we will be happy to supply a response.

Apologies for any inconvenience caused and thank you for your kind assistance.

Kind regards,

Fiona

Consumer Relations

__________________________________________________ _______________________________
Procter & Gamble UK: The Heights, Brooklands, Weybridge, Surrey, KT13 0XP

I think theyre stalling :yes:

Tobester

Mar 12, 2006, 16:01

Emailed this to Red Lobster:

I ordered a Lobsterita so that my 7 year old daughter could have the beads and the lobster that give the drink, which is basically a margarita, it's name. The waitress came back with an ordinary margarita and told us that they don't do the beads anymore, but couldn't give us a reason why. Picture thge disappointment on my little girls' face! Could you bring back this feature or at least take the name "Lobsterita" off your menu to prevent future distress?

regards,
Toby Kaye

I may have to explain, on the drinks menu there's a picture of a margarita decorated with plastic beads and a plastic lobster..
HERE: (http://www.sterlingdesigngroup.net/atlarge/art.html)

Kinky McFoxxy

Mar 12, 2006, 16:31

Slightly off topic- I was in Greece and a woman was yelling at a restaurant manager because she had ordered ice cream for her kid and the wafer in the ice cream was not bear-shaped as depicted in the menu, which apparently caused the kid mch distress.

Cyberhun

Mar 12, 2006, 17:06

To: Iceland

Could you please explain to me why you use the slogan "Because mums are heroes"
I ask this because a) Isn't the feminine form of hero actually "Heroine" AND b) I find this sexist against fathers, I mean my dad always did the shopping, are you saying that men are not good enough to do the shopping?
P.S Could you also get that rough Atomic Kitten bird off your adverts too. She is wrong with a capital W.

Upstepper

Mar 12, 2006, 21:13

Here we go...
Dear Proctor and Gamble
My daughter is at a difficult age and has teamed up with some likeminded boys at her university to campaign against the use of animals to test products. It has made me aware that were it not for such tests I might find myself placing noxious and dangerous substances against my skin with a potential danger to my health. Her continual bitching about the welfare of rodents has led me to understand the importance of testing products on animals for my safety.
Can you assure me that you will continue to test your products on whatever animals give best results, monkeys are probably the most reliable, in order that I can help my daughter see sense.
S. Waugh. (DipSW)
Response......
Response (RightNow Administrator) - 03/10/2006 05:11 AM
Thank you for your email concerning P&G and research involving animals.

Research involving animals is a last resort at P&G. It is only considered once every other reasonable option has been exhausted. The vast majority of our tests do not use animals. Whenever possible, we use computer models, synthetic materials, published scientific studies and what our consumers tell us about the products they use. We seek input from the world's leading experts to continuously improve our approach, and have stopped working with researchers who do not meet our high measures.

Our Company continues to foster independent review of our standards and inspection of our facilities by leaders in the field of animal care. We are a leader in alternatives to animal testing, investing more than $190 million and helping to develop more than 50 proven alternative methods. We collaborate with governments and academia to promote acceptance of alternatives. We actively share our discoveries so that others can benefit from our progress, and our work has appeared in more than 300 scientific publications.
We approach our research with respect, openness and responsibility by using animals as a last resort, working with animal welfare organizations and ensuring high standards of care.

If you would like more information about this important issue, please visit us at www.pg.com.

Thank you for your interest in our Company.
Kind regards,

Kind regards,

Sarah

Consumer Relations

Notice how someone got out of bed at 05.11hrs to reply and also how they said "kind regards" TWICE.

netniV

Mar 12, 2006, 21:23

Probably find that the email/marketing messages are handled by an austrialian or asian-based firm who use email templates and failed to notice that the Kind Regards was already in there for them...

could be worse, you could send an email that said King Regards like one of the chaps at our place. I spotted it instantly and it made me laugh, however, out of the other 10 people I pointed the email out to, only 1 spotted the problem.

madpinkflamingo

Mar 12, 2006, 23:55

so the same proctor and gamble can reply to upstepper but they told me their servers were down................

Cyberhun

Mar 13, 2006, 18:32

To Nestle:

Could you please tell me if you use different ingredients in your four fingered Kit Kats to your two fingered ones as after doing some personal research I discovered that many people can taste a difference in the two.
Thank you.
Fay

Cyberhun

Mar 13, 2006, 19:05

Reply from Iceland; Same old shite:

Good afternoon Tifa

Thank you for contacting us regarding our current advertising campaign.

As a customer of Iceland, you will know that we provide nutritious, good
value food that meets the needs of busy families of all shape and sizes.

A large proportion of our customers are busy mums and we wanted to
acknowledge that in our current campaign. However, our 'mum' represents any
parent juggling a busy life and looking after children. We are sure that
this is something that many mums, dads and grandparents can identify with.

Customer feedback is very important to us at Iceland and we appreciate you
taking the trouble to contact us on this subject.

As a valued customer, we really hope that you can appreciate our current
advertising stance, and will continue to enjoy our clear cut prices and
free home delivery from Iceland.

Thank you for taking the time and trouble to let us know your views.

Kind regards

Jane
Iceland customer care

New York City

Mar 13, 2006, 19:17

Dear General Motors,

I am writing you to settle a bet I have with a British friend. He claims that you are yourself involved with a three-way bet between Rolls Royce and Mercedes Benz to see who can produce the ugliest luxury car. Can you please confirm this, and also let us know when the bet ends, as we both have a number of important funerals looming in the near future and wish to be assured that transportation to the dread events will not resemble a bathtub designed for Jabba the Hutt.

allyourbase

Mar 14, 2006, 12:42

Dear Iceland,

As a loyal customer for many years, I felt strongly enough to write to you for the first time with a complaint. I am disgusted by your use of Ms Kerry Katona within your current advertising campaign.
I have, over the years, enjoyed the anonimity of the large Iceland Bags that transport my shopping to the car. I am now, however, faced with the accusation that I am in fact a "pikey". Ms Katona has done for your brand what Daniella Westbrook did for Burberry and I now feel that I must take my custom to a more upmarket store....like Asda.

Yours in disgust,

RJA

Heheheh, lets see what I get back!

fool's paradise

Mar 15, 2006, 18:25

I have questions for you ;)

Ask tesco why they make their chocolate crepes "microwavable for 12 seconds" when the average microwave doesnt have less than 5-10 seconds as a minimum setting, and why they suggest waiting for 2 seconds before eating them. It takes longer than that to respond to the microwave beeping.

Thank you for your email.

I fully appreciate your comments. We aim to provide the best possible service for our customers and any feedback or suggestions made are always very welcome.

The relevant department dealing with such matters has been notified and I can assure you that this will be taken on board at the next review meeting. I cannot guarantee that action will be taken, however your views and comments are invaluable to us.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

If you have any further queries please do not hesitate to contact us at customer.service@tesco.co.uk quoting TES1881379X.

Kind Regards

James Webb
Tesco Customer Service

I think this is called "being fobbed off"

Tobester

Mar 16, 2006, 11:30

Got this fron Red Lobster:

Thank you for your interest in Red Lobster; it is always a pleasure to
hear from our guests.

I am sorry that the restaurant was out of lobster beads during your
visit. I will be sharing your comments with the appropriate personnel.

Again, thank you for taking the time to contact us.

Sincerely,

Brent
Guest Relations Representative

hmm...seems they aren't pulling the beads at all..
not only was that waitress slow, she was also a liar!

fool's paradise

Mar 16, 2006, 11:41

"I will be sharing your comments with the appropriate personnel"

I read that as "I will be finding out who the manager of the place you went to is, tearing him a new one and firing that waitress."

I would assume working for red lobster is like working for Bass - The managers really truly and deeply "believe" in their company. I worked for Bass for 6 months and every manager I encountered must have been given Bass breweries mind control drugs. Did you know that during Euro 97 it was Bass's Policy not to have TV's in their pub restaurants?

The Ox

Mar 16, 2006, 11:59

You lot do egg me on you know.

Originally scribed by that Ox fellow

Hello

I feel I must write to complain about your use of that awful Kerry Katona in your current spate of adverts. While I'm sure you'd argue that you have chosen her because she represents a "busy mother", I am of the opinion that posing in Hello magazine, gurning at celebrity bashes and disappearing into rehab at a moment's notice and abandoning her children does not make her either a "busy mum" or a particularly appropriate role model for a family store such as yours. Furthermore, I'd be highly surprised if she even used your products away from the (let's be honest) rather tacky that you're currently using.

I used to think that Iceland were one of the smarter thinking companies and things that you brought to the marketplace like home delivery were a breath of fresh air which has now been pounced upon by the likes of Tesco and Sainsbury's.

I'm sorry to say it, but my recent experience of your stores is that they have descended into some sort of "Chav haven" that I no longer wish to use.

Maybe I'm just one of the minority in which case my loss won't be noticed that greatly. It is my opinion though that I suspect there are others out there of a similar mindset who will all vote with their feet.

Regards,

Theo Xavier.

madpinkflamingo

Mar 16, 2006, 13:13

Finally got a response from Proctor and Gamble about their Lenor In The Pink ads:

Response (RightNow Administrator) - 03/16/2006 07:51 AM
Hello and thank you for your email about our advertising.

I appreciate you taking the time to share your concerns with us. May I assure you that your comments have been passed to the relevant department for their consideration.

All ads produced on our behalf are checked internally to ensure compliance with UK codes and law. In the UK there is a check conducted by the BACC; ads can only be broadcast if they have BACC approval.

This is a broadcasting authority which checks that all claims are supportable and that all ads are "legal, decent and honest". Therefore it is very unlikely that there is anything on TV that breaches the code with which we have to comply.

We do recognise that TV complaints are usually a matter of personal sensitivity and taste and are sorry that you have been disappointed. We do thoroughly test our advertising with consumers before airing to ensure that the adverts are relevant and will be well liked, and in this case overall opinions were favourable.

We cannot say how long the advert will remain on TV as various factors influence this decision.

May I again assure you that your comments have been shared with the department concerned.

Thank you again for taking the time to share your views with us.

Kind regards,

Amanda

Consumer Relations

__________________________________________________ _______________________________
Procter & Gamble UK: The Heights, Brooklands, Weybridge, Surrey, KT13 0XP

Im considering my careful reply.

TEAM EDNA

Mar 16, 2006, 13:22

Now Im just guessing here but I bet Allyourbase and The Ox get this off of Iceland (good work peeps I never thought this would happen)

Thank you for contacting us about our current advertising campaign.

As a customer of Iceland, you will know that we provide nutritious, good
value food at clear cut prices to meet the needs of busy families.

A large proportion of our customers are busy mums and we wanted to
acknowledge that in our adverts. Kerry is a busy mum. She is devoted to her
children and like any parent, juggling a busy life whilst looking after the
children.

Customer feedback is very important to us at Iceland and we appreciate you
taking the trouble to contact us on this subject.

As a valued customer, we really hope that you can appreciate our current
advertising stance, and will continue to enjoy the clear cut prices and
bigger value better products available in your local Iceland store.

Thank you for taking the time and trouble to let us know your views.

Kind regards

Sandra/Lee/another made up gimp
Iceland customer care

TEAM EDNA

Mar 16, 2006, 13:23

Anybody else want anything asking, doing?

No reply off birdseye yet fools?

fool's paradise

Mar 16, 2006, 13:36

Nope nothing off Birds eye just a load of you have a new private message at...., and and spam from ebay and amazon. There was one from my dad though he asked me to thank greasy for posting the arab woman link and took the opertunity to bitch at bt for not putting broadband cable in on his street yet.

I was going to send an e-mail to bt telling them that I though it was outrageous as I had to wait ages for my knitting patterns and home made cat food recipes, but I just checked there postcode and it is available on their street. I will call my mum and tell her because dad "broke" their outlook express a few days ago and now they can only send e-mails but not receive them.

The Ox

Mar 16, 2006, 13:38

News just in for those following the Katona out campaign.

" The latest blow to the Beckham brand: Victoria
is in talks to be the new face of Iceland,
following in the footsteps of Kerry "Chipshop"
Katona. You could almost feel sorry for them."

The Ox

Mar 16, 2006, 13:40

I was going to drop a line to Royal Mail to complain about them bitching about the price of stamps not being enough (simple solution, stop releasing special stamps that cost a fucking fortune to make!) but they want my full address. And that's just not happening.....

jonny_boy27

Mar 16, 2006, 15:18

complaining to royal mail about postmen dropping rubber bands all over the pavement. grr

TEAM EDNA

Mar 16, 2006, 15:33

I have started collecting the red rubber bands that the postie leaves.
I am going to make a hat out of them.

EDIT: Ox where did you see/hear that about Beckham bint? Linky??
If that is the case I will double my efforts to get rid of her as well.

gwyatt

Mar 16, 2006, 15:35

They aren't dropping anymore, they just changed the colour from grey to red so you can see them. Which was a bit dim, really.

The Ox

Mar 16, 2006, 15:42

EDIT: Ox where did you see/hear that about Beckham bint? Linky??
If that is the case I will double my efforts to get rid of her as well.
Popbitch newsletter this week....

>> Posh's gone to Iceland <<
How low can Brand Beckham go?

Poor Thick'n Thin. Nothing is going right
for them this year. A humiliating legal climbdown
over the NOTW story doubting their happy
marriage, David's football season going down the
toilet, and Victoria resorting to hanging out
in LA on her own with weird Katie Holmes.
The latest blow to the Beckham brand: Victoria
is in talks to be the new face of Iceland,
following in the footsteps of Kerry "Chipshop"
Katona. You could almost feel sorry for them.

madpinkflamingo

Mar 16, 2006, 16:10

shirley that has to be a joke. Posh doesnt eat anything.

allyourbase

Mar 16, 2006, 17:36

Standard response from Iceland...................Bastards, Im going to go and shit in one of their freezers!

On another note, lets all e-mail Greggs saying that there isnt enough butter on sandwiches these days.....

Or......if anyone has the balls............

Dear McDonalds,

I am writing to you with regard to my son. I give him his lunch money on a daily basis in order to buy wholesome natural food that will ultimately give him the energy a 13 year old requires. The school has a subsidised canteen and is thus an affordable option. I am however dismayed to learn that he has managed to get hold of a McDonalds Student Card, entitling him to a free McFlurry, Hamburger or Cheeseburger when he buys an extra value meal. I have seen what you have done to all those poor Americans, and frankly dont want to have to take a wall off my house in order to take my son on Holiday. May I remind you that this is Britain and we will not put up with elasticated waists, XXXl sizes, Sweatiness or Rik Waller.

Good Day.

The Ox

Mar 16, 2006, 18:09

Click copy, click paste. Sent.

TEAM EDNA

Mar 16, 2006, 18:13

I was going to but I ended up sending this

I am contacting you regarding the McRib
Why dont you do this frankly awesome product anymore?

Also I think it would be an good idea to do a Turkey Burger at christmas with stuffing and sprouts you could call it the McChristmas

The Ox

Mar 16, 2006, 18:15

The McRib was absolutely effing awesome.

I think they should do breakfast all day as well.

dexcel13

Mar 16, 2006, 18:24

I think they should do breakfast all day as well.

Yes!! Tehre is nothing more annoying than finding you've missed that 10.30/11am deadline. that also bnever helps as i can never remember which one it is.
Egg McMuffians are way up on that list

Greasy Art

Mar 16, 2006, 18:36

I think on weekends they serve breakfast later... at least hardees does.

TEAM EDNA

Mar 18, 2006, 16:09

Good news Rib fans

Dear Mrs Watkins

Thank you for contacting us.

In answer to your question, the McRib has not been deleted from the menu,
although I am not
currently aware of any promotion in the near future where this will make an
appearance.

We welcome customer feedback on any aspect of our business as we recognise the
role this
plays in moving our company forward. Your comments are therefore appreciated,
have been
noted and will be reviewed by the relevant internal departments.

Again, thank you for taking the time and trouble to contact us.

Regards

Matthew Tucker

madpinkflamingo

Mar 19, 2006, 00:29

hahahahaha Mr Tucker

hugo-a-gogo

Mar 19, 2006, 13:43

McRib is permanent fixture on german McD menu, but sausage n egg muffins aren't, nor hash browns (oh and a quarter pounder is a royal of course)

Upstepper

Mar 19, 2006, 17:19

McRib is exactly the same product offered by Brakes Brothers (Well known frozen food suppliers to council run homes, children, elderly, mental health etc) so if you crave McRibs then adjust your lifestyle so that you go directly to institutional care and they'll be on the menu weekly.

They are not called McRibs they are called Chinese Style Pork Steaks but in every other way the same, odd shape, strange taste, tough and chewy and very sweet.

The Guffer

Mar 19, 2006, 17:41

To ITV:

Hello,

I am writing to you to demand that the popular children's television show Fun House be given a new series. This programme used to be the highlight of my viewing week growing up, and I think a link between the show no longer being on and my dis-interest in your channel can be directly found. My favourite parts of Fun House were the twins and the go-kart race at the end.

Do not, however, even entertain the notion of bringing Pat Sharpe back as presenter if he refuses to have the same haircut as the original series.

Please let me know if there are any plans for this most exellent programme to be given a very well deserved new series.

Regards
The Guffer

The Guffer

Mar 19, 2006, 18:24

Very quick reply!

Dear The Guffer

Thank you for your email regarding the above past children’s programme.

Funhouse was made by Scottish Television and we have therefore forwarded your email onto them for their attention as soon as possible.

You might like their details as follows:-

Email: viewer.enquiries@scottishtv.co.uk or Tel: 0141 300 3000

Once again many thanks for taking the trouble to contact ITV and hope you continue to watch and enjoy many of our programmes.

Best wishes.

DUTY OFFICER - sh

I await Scottish Television's reply with baited breath!

The Guffer

Mar 19, 2006, 18:43

and one to custard records, home of James Blunt:

Hello there,

I am writing to question the abilities of one of your employees, Linda Perry, who appears to be the A&R responsible for inflicting the nasally whining and downright intolerable James Blunt onto the general British public. This man is so utterly talentless I doubt very much that he even strings his own guitars up.

I would be grateful if you would list the qualifications and achievements of Linda Perry that led you to the decision to employ her in such a position that allows her to have influence over what music is accesible to the public

Regards

The Guffer

Gentreau

Mar 19, 2006, 19:47

and one to custard records, home of James Blunt:

Anyone want to guess what his nickname was in the army ?

Can you get Bounty bars with dark chocolate in the UK nowadays?
If not maybe that would be a good email to send.

hugo-a-gogo

Mar 19, 2006, 22:16

Can you get Bounty bars with dark chocolate in the UK nowadays?
If not maybe that would be a good email to send.

and tell them to put the little cardboard bit back in

Minx

Mar 19, 2006, 22:19

and tell them to put the little cardboard bit back in

Yeah, they never tasted the same after that.

enourmous david

Mar 20, 2006, 06:49

and tell them to put the little cardboard bit back in

Tree killer :troll:

The Ox

Mar 20, 2006, 09:02

To BT:

Hi I have a BT telegraph pole just off the edge of my property. This in itself is no problem, however the closeness of the pole to my property means that birds regularly sit on the telegraph wires, which again is no problem except that this means that they regularly defecate onto my driveway (and consequently my car). Is there something you can do to put some sort of anti-bird device onto the telegraph pole to prevent birds from perching there? I'm sure that this is something you've encountered before and thus something you have a solution for? Thanks in advance.

Greasy Art

Mar 20, 2006, 13:10

you still use telegraph over there?

The Guffer

Mar 20, 2006, 20:55

To McVitties

Hello,

My friend and I have a bet that needs settled before we come to physical blows. Is a Jaffa Cake a biscuit or a cake?

Thanks

Reply From McVitties

Dear Mr Guffer

Thank you for your enquiry received today, we are able to confirm they are cakes; but stores usually display them in the biscuit aisle. We know that in 1991 McVitie's won a battle with the VAT to prove that they are cakes - due to the sponge not biscuit base.

Many thanks for your enquiry

Joanne Jones

Consumer Services Department

That puts that argument to bed!

The Guffer

Mar 20, 2006, 21:33

To McCains

Hello,

I am contacting you to let you know about a couple of amazing product plans that I think will take the UK food consumers by storm.

I love chips, and I also love cheese. Put the two together and you have a fantastic food combination that would wet any pallate.

I also love curry sauce. Combine chips and curry sauce and you have a bona fide culinary creation that is fantastic.

Finally, I adore gravy. Put gravy on top of chips and it's the perfect accompanyment to a half hour's viewing of Neighbours on BBC1.

Would you please make these delicious food combinations available in your oh so convienient micro meals product?

I await your reply with a rumbling stomach and taste buds full of hope.

Thank you

T Guffer

Upstepper

Mar 20, 2006, 22:27

To richard.branson@virgin.com
Subject; A gesture from a person
Dear Richard
Can I just say Richard how much I admire your business drive. Although not rich I can't really think of anything I need so I thought I'd make you this offer. I have £2.76p in my pocket and no plans for it so if you send me some sort of business address I'd like to make out a cheque and send it to you. I'd love to be a very small part of your success.
Best Wishes
H. Brew (Mr)

I'll really be pissed off if he wants it.

Minx

Mar 20, 2006, 23:05

Soul destroyingly - this is a real complaint...

To MSN Live Support -

I have been using MSN Live Messenger Beta 8.0 for a few weeks now and am yet to recieve any beta invitations to share with my friends and family. When I visit the beta invitations link on the MSN Friends List, It tells me I have no invitations and that I will be told when I have more.

My partner who has more recently signed up for the Beta has already recieved invitations even though my sign up happened a long time before his.

Any ideas?

Yours

Mrs M.Inxington of the realm...

Hi Mrs M.Inxington,

Thank you for contacting Windows Live Messenger Technical Support. My name is Frederick and I will be glad to assist you with your concern.

Based on the information I received, you have been on Messenger Live Beta for quite a while now and you haven't received any Beta invitations. You said when you visit the Beta invitations link to check your invitations it's giving you a message saying you have no invitations left and you will be informed if you have any. I know how frustrating this problem can be. Rest assured that I will do the best I can to help you with this problem you are experiencing.

Mrs M.Inxington, to determine whether you have additional invites, please follow these steps:

1. Visit http://ideas.live.com.
2. Click the "Beta users sign in here" link, and then sign in with the ID and password that you want to use for Windows Live Messenger Beta.
3. Make sure that the text at the top of the Welcome <User name> page displays the name that is associated with this account.
4. Locate the "Windows Live Messenger Beta" section. If this account has been registered for Windows Live Messenger Beta, you will see "You have <n> invitations remaining."
5. Click the "Send Invites" link to send any available invites to your contacts.
6. If you do not have invites available, ask your contacts to follow these steps to add themselves to the waiting list:
a. Visit http://ideas.live.com.
b. Locate the "Windows Live Messenger Beta" section and then click "Sign up" to submit a request for enrollment. The Messenger Beta team periodically reviews the waiting list.

Mrs M.Inxington, in case that you have no invitations left, if you are registered for Windows Live Messenger Beta, your account will receive additional invites. Additional invites are issued by the Messenger team after that team evaluates the stability and performance of the service. We strive to make sure that our current beta users are provided with uninterrupted service before we issue additional invites. When you receive additional invites for your account, you can use them to invite your friends or family to use Windows Live Messenger Beta.

I hope these steps resolve your concern with Windows Live Messenger. If you need further assistance, you may contact us at http://support.live.com. For additional information and self-help instructions, visit http://ideas.live.com/programpage.aspx?versionId=0eccd94b-eb48-497c-8e60-c6313f7ebb73.

Thank you for contacting Windows Live Messenger Technical Support. Have a great day.

Sincerely,

Frederick
Windows Live Messenger Technical Support

So picking through that, I find... I need to visit their website and click on a link to sign in as one of their beta users and check how many invites I have. I already know that I have none, but I follow these instructions anyway, or rather I would, if the link they directed me to actually worked when I clicked on it. I gave up after about more than a few frustrated clickages, and then emailed again...

Dear Frederick,

Thankyou for your response. Unfortunately I am unable to complete your request due to the link not working on the live.com website. Any further suggestions?

Yours endearingly,

Mrs M.Inxington

Thank you for contacting Windows Live.Com Technical Support. I will be glad to assist you with your concern. Based on the information that I received, I understand that you have a question on Windows Live Messenger. I would like to express my sincere intention of helping you as I understand how important it is for this issue to be resolved as soon as possible.

Please visit the Windows Live Messenger Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) page found on the Messenger Support Space to find answers to common questions about Windows Live Messenger. Â The Windows Live Messenger FAQ page can be found at:

http://spaces.msn.com/messenger-support/blog/cns!8B3F39C76A8B853F!1753.entry

Thank you for contacting Windows Live.Com Technical Support.

Ah. Right. So you didnt think I would check the FAQs before approaching you? By the way, the FAQs have nothing new to tell me. And it doesnt occur to you at all that I might not actually want to recommend something that doesnt work to my friends and family, by directing them to sign up on your waiting list which may be "periodically reviewed". ???

(I havent sent this yet, I kind of got the feeling I was wasting precious typing time...)

But then... just to add insult to injury, they sent me a feedback form so I could feed back on their customer support.

So I did.

Oh yes.

Lets just say their database will be blushing. I sadly cant replicate it here, but lets just say on the scale of 1-9 that they chose to use for monitoring purposes they didnt rate much higher than a 2 on many of the questions. And the feedback bits, well lets just say that I was quite clear in my distaste for the help I had recieved.

Such fookers.

Upstepper

Mar 20, 2006, 23:25

----- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors -----
<Richard.Branson@virgin.com>

----- Transcript of session follows -----
... while talking to cluster3.eu.messagelabs.com.:
>>> RCPT To:<Richard.Branson@virgin.com>
<<< 550 Invalid recipient <Richard.Branson@virgin.com> (#5.1.1)
550 <Richard.Branson@virgin.com>... User unknown

I think the poor bastard is dead.

Minx

Mar 20, 2006, 23:26

:haha:

MSN just sent me an invite to join the Messenger Beta.

Left Hand? Meet Right Hand and have a good look at what hes getting on with there...

dogbomb

Mar 21, 2006, 07:05

The Ox

Mar 21, 2006, 08:58

The Ox

Mar 21, 2006, 12:12

News just in, BT are going to send a line surveyor out to investigate my defecation issues. :D

TEAM EDNA

Apr 4, 2006, 12:17

any news ox?

Does anybody have email contact details for

Ebay (Im not a user, they can fuck right off)
Mean Fiddler

Reading and Leeds Festival have "sold ou" tickets are already on ebay :bombguy:
I am fucking sick of this happening, greedy fucking cunts.

Gentreau

Apr 4, 2006, 14:26

All I can find is their webmail page at http://pages.ebay.co.uk/help/contact_us/_base/index.html

I do know however that fraud@ebay.com is an active address, as I have used it to report phishing attempts

Whether your mail will fall into that category is another matter entirely.

Ebays ploicy re tickets is here http://pages.ebay.co.uk/help/policies/contracts.html

TEAM EDNA

Apr 4, 2006, 16:52

Cheers Gent :)
I have also emailed watchdog.

Fuck me I must be getting old.

The Ox

Apr 5, 2006, 17:04

Yes. There's a feeder cable to the pole which looks redundant, so they are going to chop it.

I hope it is redundant or half the f*cking street will lose their phone lines!

seabreeze

Apr 5, 2006, 17:08

Yes. There's a feeder cable to the pole which looks redundant, so they are going to chop it.

I hope it is redundant or half the f*cking street will lose their phone lines!
Sod the rest of the street. As long as your car is not being crapped on that`s all that matters.

The Ox

Apr 5, 2006, 17:10

My thort eggszachry.

The Guffer

Apr 10, 2006, 18:18

To Unilever, Manufacturer Of Lynx
Hello,

I am writing to you to highlight a possible fault in all fragrances of Lynx deodorant.

In the various television commercials to promote the brand, the male in the commercials seems to be irresitable to the female sex. Irresistable to such an extent that the women tend to act "out of character". They literally throw themselves at him and to be honest, he's not really what you would call "model material".

I have been using Lynx deodorants for some time now and absolutely no women have acted like this around me.

I send this feedback purely because I am far better looking than the guy in the advert. Better looking but more frustrated apparently.

Thank you

The Guffer

The Reply
Dear Mr Guffer

Thank you for your recent email to Lynx.

Although Lynx is a great tool in the trade pulling, it cannot do all the work for you.

Make eye contact, be confident, maybe spray a little more, and I am sure the girls will come flocking!

Thank you for contacting us.

Kind regards

Jody Houghton
Lynx Advisor

Unilever Home & Personal Care - Helping everyone feel great every day

And I thought I'd try one to MacLeans:

Hello,

I am contacting you to complain about one of your products, namely Macleans Whitening Toothpaste (which can be found on your website at http://www.macleans.co.uk/products.aspx#whitening ). Your product is marketed using the following words:

"Helps restore your teeth's natural whiteness. This dual action formula is proven firstly to help lift away stains caused by everyday life and secondly to help prevent the build up of deposits that attract new stains. Plus, it contains advanced cleaning silicas and offers all the protection you expect from Macleans to keep teeth really healthy."

Please place special attention to the first 6 words in the above quote when reading the rest of this email.

My 3 year old son asked me if it was ok for him to eat his favourite green Crayola crayons as his new favourite was now the red ones. Because of your products claim that it can "restore your teeth's natural whiteness" I allowed my son to forge ahead with his desire, thinking I was safe in the knowledge that your product would remove any unsightly stains possibly left by the ingesting of said green crayon.

To my shock and utter horror, your product failed, and still fails to remove the green stains on my son's teeth, which may I add, do nothing to aid in his already unprepossessing demeanour.

I think you may want to have a look at the wording on your website and product packaging with regards to your product's abilities.

Thank you.

The Guffer

The Ox

Apr 21, 2006, 10:06

Right.... just sent this to Katie Melua:

Dear Katie

I am somewhat concerned about the single "Nine Million Bicycles" as I believe it to be factually incorrect. According to an official Chinese website there are actually TEN million bicycles in Beijing.

http://www.china.org.cn/english/China/79532.htm

Please can you explain the logic behind a >10% margin of error as I am somewhat concerned that people my be misled. Furthermore I'm sad to say that as lovely and talented as you undoubtedly are, I won't be asking you to balance my current account in the near future if you are prone to making errors of this magnitude.

Many thanks for allowing me to express my concerns. Look forward to hearing from you

Love,

The Ox.

The Ox

Jun 15, 2006, 12:46

To ITV

No wonder people dislike English (and particularly) ITV sport coverage so much. I've just turned on the TV for coverage of Ecuador/Costa Rica and the first 20 minutes of the who is about the England game in 3 hours time!

You've got 45 minutes scheduled before the match to talk about England against Trinidad so why the hell aren't you showing some interest in the game that's about to take place?

And while we're on the subject is there any chance you could stop giving the people in the studio feeding tubes on their faces and replace them with proper microphones? They look bloody silly.

Thanks.

gwyatt

Jun 15, 2006, 12:47

I thought they were Q tips stuck to their faces

TEAM EDNA

Jun 15, 2006, 12:56

Ox they all rock :)

Monster Thing

Jun 16, 2006, 19:07

Anybody got an email address for Sven?

Dear Sven,

I watched the match between England and Trinidad and Tobago with some confusion. "How could a team so hotly favoured to win take so long to score their first goal?", I asked. Many of my friends who are unemployed spend most of their days analysing and reanalysing each and every match England have played since 1966. All were unable to suggest a reason. It was with great relief after the match that the reason was revealed. It was all part of the plan.

As an apathetic employee I have been using this tactic through my illustrious working life. I, like you and your team, feel that this is not only an appropriate and effective management approach but also much maligned and misunderstood by those unwilling to run the risk of employing such a technique.

It was with great delight that today I could tell my manager of the new found certitude in such a technique. He maintains that what I actually do is leave everything to the last minute and then do a p**s poor job for finishing off only to complete the task by the skin of my teeth. After vehemently defending the technique I am now in a position to join my unemployed friends in analysing your teams performance when you oversee their undoubted victory in the world cup this year.

Regards,

Monster Thing.

TEAM EDNA

Aug 15, 2006, 10:48

I have in my hands the sunny D news.
Sunny Delight has been taken over by the sunny delight beverages company (snappy title eh?) they dont seem to realise they only have my address because I asked them if it really turned you Orange if you drank too much.
They have included a slip that if I return with a comment on what I think about the improvments they have made I will get a voucher for a free bottle.

The Improvments
Less Sugar
No Artificial Colours
No More Vegetable Oil (why the fuck was this in there to start with?)
Choice Of No Added Sugar Flavours
Contains 15% Real Fruit Juice
Full Days Supply Of Vitamin C
30% Of the Daily Allowance Of Vitamins A,B1 And B6
Suitable For Vegetarians
Great Taste Kids Love
Chilled For Sunny Moments (think they might be scraping the barrel now)
Range Of Sizes
GDA On The Front

I am going to return this with the original question "does Sunny D turn you orange?"

Will I get my free bottle? Do I want a free bottle?

Oh and if you would like to join in send a postcard with your Name and Address to

Join The Reinvention
Free Post
Sunny D

hugo-a-gogo

Aug 15, 2006, 10:53

The Improvments
...
Suitable For Vegetarians
...

and it wasn't before! this is some freaky weird toxic stuff, keep it the fuck away from me

Marx

Aug 15, 2006, 14:45

Kettle chips have just replied (within ten minutes) to my complaint of stale chips. They want a sample for analysis.

Will be buying some tonight to let stale and send.

TEAM EDNA

Aug 15, 2006, 14:49

and it wasn't before! this is some freaky weird toxic stuff, keep it the fuck away from me

I know I also asked why Vegetable oil was in there to start with.

They have taken a lot of shit out but unless 85% is now water there is still a lot of dodgy stuff in it.

magicguppy

Aug 15, 2006, 16:06

My mate Gary once found a strange looking Nik Nak. It gave him the fear.

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing to express my disappointment at my recent purchase of a packet of 50g 'Big Bag' Golden Wonder Nice 'n' Spicy Nik-Naks.

Imagine my joyful surprise when a discovered two freakishly big Nik-Naks inside the packet. Nik-Naks that were of a standard to feature in items on deformed shaped/sized foods such as occurred on Esther's "That's Life" and various Kids Saturday morning programs.

As any Nik-Nak connoisseur would do, I left these biggest, freakiest Nik-Naks until last so I could savour their freakishness. Upon my first bite into the smaller of the two freaks I discovered that they were inedible. They were impossible to bite into and nowhere near the texture I would expect of a normal (in the loosest sense of the word!) Nik-Nak.

My disappointment is incredibly difficult to for me to express in words. Therefore I will not try.

Please find attached:
1 photograph of the aforementioned offending Nik-Naks
2 visual displays of my uncontrollable unhappiness.

From these attachments it will be clear for you to understand how I, as a Nik-Nak aficionado, a consumer, and most of all as a human was deeply disturbed by these two freaks in a mainly inconspicuous bag of Nik-Naks.

I will preserve the freaks, and if required forward them onto yourselves.

I look forward to your quick reply.

Yours Sincerely

Gary

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v624/magicguppy/Freaks.jpg
Sent along with an attachment and mpeg of said deformaties.

The response was thus;

Gary,

Thank you for your email though I am sorry to learn of your traumatic experience with a packet of Nik Naks.

Obviously it is not our intention to upset or disappoint our customers and I would therefore like to inform the factory concerned of your find. I do not require you to send the 'freak' samples to me, the attachments clearly show the deformities and the upset it has caused, however I would appreciate it if you could inform me of the Best Before date and code from the packet in question. These details will allow us to establish when they were made and packed.

Please accept our sincere apologies for this lapse and we hope the experience will not deter you from enjoying our snacks in the future. I would like to arrange for a box of Nik Naks to be sent to you with our compliments - is there a flavour you would prefer?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

Zoe

To cut a long story short, details were exchanged and Gary found himself the proud owner of a box of assorted Nik-Naks.

He is pleased to add that none of them were deformed.

TEAM EDNA

Aug 15, 2006, 16:10

could we have a look at said pictures?

magicguppy

Aug 15, 2006, 16:37

Added pics.

They are weird. They give me the fear too.

TEAM EDNA

Aug 15, 2006, 16:52

Even I wouldnt of eaten them.

safeasfuck

Aug 15, 2006, 17:39

i'm quite intrigued by "2 visual displays of my uncontrollable unhappiness"

are these available, are they of gary crying & self-flagellating or something similar :D

i agree they do give you the fear, but i wouldn't have been able to resist trying a small nibble at an edge of one, just to be 100% sure

magicguppy

Aug 16, 2006, 07:19

I'll see if I can youtube one later.

The Ox

Aug 18, 2006, 09:21

Hi Keith Harris' Agent

Not sure if you can help me out with a debate that's taking shape on a website I frequent.

During the 80s we remember Keith had Orville and Cuddles (obviously) - but there is a suggestion that Keith had (at least) a third puppet. And none of us can remember him/her/it. Is Keith able to shed any light on this?

Thanks in advance.

Bovine Jones.

.

allyourbase

Aug 18, 2006, 09:51

Bloody hell.... BT have written back to me!

Thank you for your e-mail dated 20/3/06 about Telegraph Pole.

In reference to your email, I would like you to notify our Wayleave Department at 0800 581525 (between 09:00am to 4:30pm), as they would be able to take action regarding the problem your are facing.

In the meantime I would like to thank you in anticipation of your continued patience and co-operation, and to assure you of my best intentions at all times.

If you should have any further queries please do not hesitate to contact us again via e-mail or contact us at 0800 800 150( Monday to Saturday between 8:00am to 8:00pm).

Thank you for contacting BT.

Guess who I'm ringing after The Bill!

Thats the department who basically pay you money for having a pole/pylon whatever on your property. If you own lots of land you can earn a small fortune dependent on how many poles/pylons etc you have on your property. They either give you a one off payment for your inconveniece or they pay you yearly. Its not lots of money, but I would assume that they will sort your problem out for you either way.

http://www.wayleave.co.uk/index.htm

fool's paradise

Aug 18, 2006, 09:55

My parents get 30p a year from bt because of the pole in their garden, estate agent recons it's knocked over 5k off the value of the property. My parents intend to send them the bill.

The Ox

Aug 21, 2006, 18:12

We have a reply:

Dear Nathan,

Regarding your request. Apart from Cuddles and Orville Keith had somewhere in the region of 20 different characters but you are most probably thinking of Dippy the dragonaurus who featured in most of his T.V. shows.

Regards,

Shenton
P.A. to Keith Harris.

Done a search and can find NO reference to it anywhere on the web..... but at least we have an answer.

Monkey Rob

Dec 7, 2006, 11:00

Here's one to BA as I was very cross.
I considered CC ing it to the Admiralty too but thought they had more important things to worry about.

Dear Sirs,

While on BA flight 285 from London to SanFrancisco, I decided to use the in flight entertainment system which you very kindly provide in the headrest of the seat in front. While playing the Trivia game, I was asked the following question (rephrasing from memory):

"In Plymouth, the home of the worlds oldest dry-dock, what is the name of Nelson's flagship which fought at the battle of Trafalgar?"

As a Portsmouth resident, this upset me greatly because while I can accept that people often mix up Plymouth and Portsmouth, I wouldn't have expected it from a commercially produced trivia game. I can imagine Admiral Nelson turning in his grave every time a bored BA traveller is met with this question.

Worse still, could you imagine a tourist travelling to England who can't be expected to know better and decides to visit Plymouth on the back of this bit of information only to turn up at the train station and be ridiculed by a taxi driver saying "Ha you're the third yank to ask me that this week"?

This also casts a shadow of doubt on the accuracy of all the other questions in the trivia quiz game.

So please, for the sake of accuracy and to show proper respect for the proud naval history of England and for the memory of Lord Nelson and the proud inhabitants of the city of Portsmouth, please try to get this corrected by the supplier of the software and take greater care in your selection process in future.

Regards
Robin Hewitt
P.S. I'm sure Plymouth is well worth a visit but that's besides the point.

UnoChild

Dec 7, 2006, 12:11

Here's one to BA as I was very cross.

Can't wait for the response.

don't gimme no back talk sucka

The Ox

Dec 7, 2006, 12:13

Or maybe "I don't put trivia games on no plane, sucka."

Zelda

Dec 7, 2006, 12:57

:haha: to both of you.

i wondered who would be first with the gags

mrB0jang1es

Dec 7, 2006, 13:06

"Crazy foo":youwin:

The Ox

Feb 2, 2007, 13:10

Not had one for a bit.... so here you go. I made the fatal mistake of transferring all of my webservices to the abortion that is 123 from the (with hindsight) not quite as big an abortion that is 1&1. This is the salvo I've just broadsided them with:

Right. I am sick to the back teeth of you as an organisation. I have been with you for a couple of weeks now and NOTHING I have tried to do has worked and your helpdesk have demonstrated a level of stupidity that would have villages crying out to employ your staff as idiots.

This morning was the final straw for me. After your last balls up, I had a conversation with someone at 123 on Wednesday afternoon and he assured me that in general things would be working properly and to go ahead with what I wanted to do. So I set up 2 mailboxes using your "lack of control panel" on Wednesday evening and neither of them were working by 11am this morning. They should apparently be working within 24 hours but this was at least 28 hours and no sign of the cable monkey connecting wire a into socket b to make things work had been forthcoming.

Which brings me to this morning when I rang up and spent several minutes on the phone to a member of your "help desk" (ha ha!) who told me that despite me buying all of my services through my 123-reg control panel that the problem wasn't yours but with your sister company Webfusion. I was advised that your 123 staff can't access Webfusion servers and so I had to ring them to get them to fix things. I tried to explain that it couldn't be because I have no services with Webfusion but your analyst (somehow appropriate to be called an ANALyst when quite clearly he was an arsehole) wouldn't have it.

So I rang Webfusion to humour this muppet... and lo and behold, they told me that I don't have an account with them and they can't fix it! Genius!

Now fortunately, the guy at Webfusion seemed to have been near a computer before because he suggested that the domains in question were pointing to the nameservers of 1and1... which would actually make sense as I brought my domains over from 1and1 when I signed up 2 weeks ago. I (yes me, not one of your highly paid professional people) changed the settings to point at your name servers and whump! we have connection! Fantastic.

Except this is really basic stuff that your telephone operator should have known. Isn't it? So I've wasted several minutes on the phone to <belm> the helpdesk </belm> at 50 pence a minute and they've actually done nothing for me other than take my money - which is ironic as the complaint I made the other day that got one of your guys to ring me up centred around the fact that your helpdesk don't answer their emails and that I wasn't prepared to have you fleece me for 50p a minute to provide me with a level of service I would expect from a dead badger. Based on this stunning piece of clairvoyancy I am now taking requests for six numbers for tomorrow night - but unfortunately not from your staff as they are on my "naughty list."

Which leads me to my next problem.... and that's that webforwarding on my domain xxxx.xxx isn't working either. Now yes there may have been an issue revolving around the name servers but that is now fixed - because I fixed it (so there is no danger of anyone at Halfwit Towers having screwed that one up.) so that isn't the issue. I've just made another change to the settings which I'm hoping will bring everything into line but knowing how advanced your systems are there's every chance that it won't..... I have so much faith in your can't you tell? So is there any chance that someone that knows how an on/off switch works can have a looksee for me and fix it? Go on, I'm asking you nicely.

I appreciate that you are no doubt going to view this mail as aggressive and out of order from a mere plebby customer, but quite frankly when you've managed to balls up everything I've tried to do with you so far (and which my previous supplier who I left due to them muffing something up royally and I laughingly thought you lot would be better) I think I'm entitled to be a little teensy-weensy bit narked.

So get things right and let's move on and have a happy touchy-feely loving relationship where things work instead of me having to send your these diatribes in order to get your backsides into a gear other than reverse.

With thanks.