I thought it might be useful to explore how and why we ended up here.

Now, first and foremost, we cant do medical advice, but I would say that if you make a contribution here that makes you think "Hmm, you know, maybe I do have some sort of deep rooted food issues going on here" then I strongly suggest you go see your GP and ask for a referral to a dietician or a psychotherapist. It wont prevent you taking part here, but I would feel a lot better about you doing so if you were doing it with medical support.

It will also be useful because we can support each other, and be honest about who we are and how we got here (and indeed, pull each other up if we feel like one of us is heading too far into it becoming an obsession.)

Overeating can be very symptomatic and indicative of your state of mind. I know in my case that is definitely true.

I'll go first. I'm not writing this because I want your pity or because I feel sorry for myself, I just want to be as honest as I can with myself, as much as anything.

I, if I am honest, have food issues. I can even tell you where they stem from. As a child, I got very mixed messages about eating and health from a certain parent, who is in themselves a particularly insecure person. One the one hand, I was getting comments like "Look at your stomach, its getting a bit fat" to which the eight year old me replied "Its not fat, its just puppy poo."
On the other hand, the same parent, was coming home with bags loaded with chocolate and sweets, which we would get some of, but they would consume most of in one sitting.

At 15, I lost three grandparents relatively close together. One of them was my grandfather, who I had always enjoyed a particularly close relationship with, he was my most consistent male role model and I loved him dearly, he really understood me, and treated me like a real person, even when I was little. Shortly after he died, the grieving parent came out with this little quality gem "Your grandfather would have wanted you to be thin". At the time, I guess I was about a size 16 and still growing, but around 5ft8 or so at the time.

Well, I was mad as hell. I knew for a fact, that his main concern would have been my happiness, not my weight, but that didnt stop me from putting an association between the two in place that had already started earlier in the scheme of things. So I decided from that point that I would just eat what I wanted, and to hell with the parent and their stupid ill-timed advice.

So I ate. And ate. and ate. and ate some more. The bigger I got, the less I cared about anything. I was, retrospectively, building myself a big old emotional wall of fat to protect myself from taking the risks you usually take in life. I didnt love myself, and I was buggered if I was going to let anyone else love me. The more I put on, the more of an "up-yours" I was giving to that particular parent. I also had similar problems at school, whilst I wasnt by any stretch of the imagination in the range of obesity + at that stage, no lads seemed particularly interested and the only ones that did were only ever doing it for a bet or a joke. It knocks your confidence. I felt (and still feel) ugly and worthless.

The more time passed, the more my esteem slipped. And the more I ate for comfort. Its a vicious circle. I continued to put weight on, have unsuccessful relationships, blame myself for everything that went wrong, I'm my own worst critic. Theres no way you could criticise me worse than I do it to myself.

Then I met Mr Minx, and I knew from very early on that he was something special and that he accepted me for who I was. Indeed, by the time we got married I was a size 26 (I'd like to say I was a size 24 here, but honestly, I wasnt, I got married in a size 24 dress, simply because the woman who ran the bridal shop where I hired my dress from wasnt the sort to go "dont lie" when I said I was a 24, and simply suggested taking the dress out a bit in certain places.)

I weighed 18 1/2 stone when I got married, and despite the fact that it absolutely was the happiest day of my life, it was still plagued by insecurity and feeling a fraud. Brides are supposed to be beautiful, and I didnt feel remotely beautiful. I look back at my wedding pictures now and again, and cant understand why anyone would want to marry me, looking like that. I cant even bring myself to watch the video. And thats not even the biggest I got to.

By a year later, I had put on another 3 stone nearly. I was 21st2 when I went to the gynaecologist for help with getting pregnant. I hadnt got on any scales for ages, so had no idea, and it was a huge slap in the face to realise I was that big. They told me I had poly-cystic ovaries and told me to go away and lose 4 stone. It was like a light went on in my head. I either stayed the way I was, or I never had any more kids. I walked out of the hospital, then walked the 800 yards or so to the Asda that was close by, my head spinning, went into Asda and by some miracle came out of the shop with what vaguely resembled a trolley of healthy eating food.

From that point I was on a diet that went remarkably well, particularly with the support of a number of people on here. I was however, concious of the fact that when I feel low, I want to eat, and if I really get started, I can REALLY eat, so I decided that I would not entirely deny myself, but would treat "special occasions" as treats, and eat whatever the hell I liked then.

It worked very well. I lost 6 stone in about 8 months, went back to the doctors, three months later I was pregnant with a little medical assistance.

Since then, my weight has fluctuated. It went back up with the pregnancy, back down after, to far lower than it had ever been before, partly through breastfeeding and partly through more sensible eating, and I sought out some therapy to help me come to terms with the "past" issues, which was at least, in part, successful.

However, having got pregnant again and coming through this side with weight on again, I know that there is more to this than simply enjoying my food. I feel much more confident when I have some sort of control over what I eat, and I can get preoccupied with counting calories, but at times, my need to rebel against that self control, or on a day where I feel particularly shitty and worthless, I am in danger of over-eating. I am however, awaiting a referral for more therapy, because I dont think I am quite done yet.

My main motive for getting the weight off now, is the wardrobe full of clothes I have that I bought when I was down to 12st10. When I lost all the weight in the first place, I threw out the majority of my "fat" clothes and swore I would never go back there again, but the fact that I still at some level do not really like myself physically propels me to self-sabotage myself. When I do that, I feel guilty, but Im feeling guilty anyway, so what does it matter if I eat some more?

So, this time around, Im monitoring my mood more carefully. I want this to be a lifestyle change, not simply a short term remedy, and to do that I know I need support to maintain a healthy attitude to eating and myself.

I confess, I almost certainly have an eating disorder, and probably self-perception issues, but Im going to get on top of them and Im going to beat them. I'd love one day to be able to have some sort of blessing ceremony where I can dress up again and be proud of how I look, and have photographs that I can look back and see the happiness shining from my face, rather than the sweat of carrying far far too much weight around.

Its going to be a long hard struggle, but I have the support of my GP and I really really want to try and adjust my self perception and improve my esteem.

If you have read this far, thankyou for taking the trouble. If you have any good ideas about ways to improve esteem and self-worth, I would be glad to hear them. Or if, like me, you just want to get it off your chest, (pardon the rubbish pun) then go ahead.

My weight all started with getting pregnant. I just piled it on, I wasn`t feeding for 2 but 8 and people did try and warn me but I was young and took no notice. After the birth I did lose 2 stone fairly quickly but was still 2 stone from pre birth weight. I thought I looked ok and Mr Breeze even said that I looked lovely but then soon after my nan and dad died within months of each other and I suppose I comfort ate way too much.
A year or so down the line and my mum became quite ill which lasted for 10 years. At this point I was going down to hers in the day and having a meal with her and then going home and having a meal there as well. Plus the fact on top of this I was a chocoholic working in a newsagents ! More comfort food.
We then had a hic-cup in our marriage where we just sort of drifted apart for a while so this didn`t actually help matters.(we have survived 25 years now though)
Looking back now I see I had some sort of control type problem. Mum died and daughter left home within a year and I had no one to concentrate on so I took more control over my own life instead of other peoples. I lost 3 and half stone in just over a year doing it half a stone at a time, taking a break then back to it.
That was 3 years back and since then my weight has yo-yoed quite a bit but I have gradually put 1 and half stone back on. I have tried to diet a few times since but just can`t seem to get the right motivation. This time I have the right head on my shoulders and feel determined to do this. Plus the fact that Mr Breeze has also said he wants to lose some weight so at least he`s with me and not just eating sweets next to me.
And having a weigh in each week with you all is good motivation as I want to be able to say "This week I`ve lost x amount of weight".
I suppose my main problem is portion sizes as I usually cook enough for 6 instead of 2. Most of the time we do have lefovers the next night but a fews times we have finished it all off :shocked:

I was thinking of starting a similar thread!


I don't really know when I started having problems. I was always really tall as a child, and pretty chubby. I was bullied a fair amount at school, normally about my weight, but was always told by the school nurse that I was healthy enough and that my weight wasn't a problem. Even after my dad died, I didn't turn to food for comfort, although that would've been understandable. I pretty much remained a 14 at 5ft10, which is by no means huge. I looked good, especially when I look back at pictures of me then, although I never had much self esteem.

I had a pretty good relationship with food until the summer between leaving school and starting uni. My friends at time messed me about, and I became very insecure. I wasn't going out as much and started putting on a bit of weight because I wasn't as active. I was also eating a lot more, having extra packs of sandwiches between meals and scoffing fat-filled snacks and lunches at uni. I stacked it on. As the year progressed, I became more dishartened by my choice of course and, although my new friends were brilliant, I felt let down by most of my old friends, bar one. In short, I was a wee bit miserable.

By the end of the year, I was about a size 20. I changed my course, spoke to a councillor, began to feel a bit better about myself. By this point I'd made loads of new friends and was feeling much more confident. By the end of the first year of my new course, I was a 14-16, in a new relationship, and pretty happy with my lot.

Things continued to go well, and with happiness comes comfort, and with that comes eating more, as you do. The weight started to creep on again. But I was happy. Then I moved in with my bloke, about 18 months after we started going out. I think this is when food problems began. I had this real sense of defiance- just because I'm big doesn't mean I can't eat what I want. So I would. I was eating massive amounts of crap. And then the relationship started going down the plughole. We weren't coping and neither of us was happy.

The eating turned to bingeing in secret and I crept towards a 22. I got stuck in a dress looking for a frock for my grad ball, which was the most humiliating thing ever, apart from eventually being dumped for a size 8 16 year old. That's when the bingeing turned to bingeing and purging, followed by periods of starvation. I did lose weight, getting back down to a 16, but I was about as low as I've ever been. Every morsel of food caused me some kind of trauma. It was horrible. I hated food, hated not being able to eat, hated eating... it was a very vicious circle. There were preiods when I felt able to eat normally, but they were usually followed by periods of secret hell- I never really told anyone.

I started getting terrible pains in my stomach, which turned out to be gallstones. I still don't know, but I'm convinced they were connected to the way I was eating. I had surgery and lost more weight, but keeping this off was a battle, as it had happened because I was on a drip. More torture. I maintained my weight and met my current man, who has (from the beginning) tried to help me build up my self esteem. It didn't stop me from regularly taking laxatives and counting calories fanatically, though.

I moved in with him a few months ago and it seemed like my old problems had come to light again. I decided to do everything in my power not to let myself put on weight again, and again I managed to go to extremes. I counted every calorie and would still purge. I felt proud of myself when I was empty, and I went for weeks on 300-400 calories a day. It was only when I realised how much it was hurting him that I realised how dangerous my behaviour was, and I have made huge steps to change it.

I bought my first pair of size 14 trousers in 10 years, and now buy 12-14 vest tops from primark :D I honestly no longer hate food the way I used to and am gradually building up my calorie intake. I eat and cook healthily because I have to for my bloke's sake, hime being a diabetic. This has helped me no end because it makes me realise how stupid I was being before when I realise how easy it is to put yor health at risk.

Rambling over!

my mother was anorexic and it killed her

I'm a bit scared of dieting in case I end up like her

I've always comfort eaten, which probably doesn't help.

I have a paranoia of food poisoning, have emetophobia and suffer from bowel disorders.

I eat because I have to, not because I enjoy it.

I gain immense pleasure from eating. I'm single and it fills a void for me.

I wish I could stop eating so much.

I comfort eat. some weeks I work such long hours and enjoy eating chocolate when I am working at my computer and when I am driving between clients premises. When I do give myself the odd evening off, I like to sit in front of the tv snacking and having a few vodkas.

I love eating healthy meals, but use any stressful day as a reason to comfort eat - if it starts at 10am in the morning, it will carry on til I go to bed.

However, I have now planned substitutes which are low fat and will do my loss weight plan no harm.....so I can still comfort eat.....just different things!

It's all in the forward planning when time is tight.

I used to eat to make myself look unattractive. I was abused when I was younger. I'm not gonna go into details and I don't want attention for it, it's over and doesn't matter. But it completely messed with my head and is the reason I ate so much. I was scared of anyone finding me attractive as I was terrified of it happening again. It wasn't until I was about 14 that I started accepting shit happens and realised I wasn't happy with my weight.

Since then I've tried a whole load of diets and lost quite a bit of weight. Never really healthily though as I tend to obsess over how much I eat. I picked a lot of quick fix diets that worked well at first but within a few weeks the weight wouldn't budge and then over time crept back on. I

Godammit. I pressed post by accident.

Anyway, I'll finish off quickly.

I spoke to my councillor about my issues with food and she took it pretty seriously, which surprised me as I never thought I had a problem. She reccomended I keep away from counting calories and just try healthy eating. I'm considering taking up the councilling again while I start dieting just to make sure I keep on track and don't get silly with things.

I'm considering taking up the councilling again while I start dieting just to make sure I keep on track and don't get silly with things.

:bigthumbsupforyou:

I certainly dont think it would do you any harm as long as the councillor suits you and seems to understand you well. Its certainly something that I need extra support with. I think thats one of the great things about this particular forum, we can all keep an eye on each other to make sure we arent overdoing it, but it certainly wouldnt do any of us any harm to have a bit of offline support too.

Well done to all of you for being so honest, with each other and yourselves. Half the battle is knowing what you are dealing with and self-awareness can be one of the most powerful tools you possess.

Can I just say having read all of your posts I think youre all very brave to reveal just how youve all felt about food and yourselves.

Ive never had a 'relationship' with food, but have lost weight and gained weight here and there. Im heavier now than Ive been for about 20 yrs, and of course I dont really like being about a stone over. I could lose it very easily but in some respects I kinda like looking comfortable if you know what I mean.

At my thinnest I was a size 6. Sounds awful but Im only 4ft 11". And I had to do loads of exercise even at a size 6 to tone my sporty muscly legs. Now Im a 10 on the top and a 12 on the bottom. But I have the shape of a woman rather than a young girl.

Funny thing is, everyone, even the Love God, say they actually prefer me with a bit of weight on. The Love God said he used to wonder why I had to be so thin, and worried about it, saying I looked frought and manic. Whereas me, Ive a wardrobe full of trousers and skirts in size 6 that I'll never ever wear again but sometimes think back to how good I thought I looked.

Like lots of us, Ive had several bouts of therapy dealing with 'issues' that I know deep down will always affect my view of myself. Ive sat in therapy and said stupid things like 'Im not going to be another success just so you can think what a fucking good counsellor you are'. I fought my counsellor every step of the way. Secretly I was thinking 'actually theres something in what she said there', but the pride in me and my inability to look at myself got in the way. In the end tho, she kept on and I had to break it all right down and felt horribly horribly exposed, naked, vulnerable, raw and taken apart. But was only then I could start making little steps to some sort of recovery.

I post this bit about my therapy not becuase its related to food but because its related to those dastardly perceptions of ourselves that we impose and really are a form of delusion. Its fucking hard work, fucking fucking fucking hard work coming to terms with yourself and I hope every single one of you will be as kind to yourself as you very often are to everyone else.

with lurve, pinky xxxx

I used to eat to make myself look unattractive.


me too. i got raped when i was 16, and after that i had a series of bad relationships, so that by the time i was 17 i was burnt out on men all together and ate whatever i wanted when i wanted to ensure i wouldn't be burdened with male attention.
i spent nearly my entire 17th year of life working through those issues and now i'm over them and want to be attractive again; i've just turned 18 and i'm giving myself until my 19th birthday to lose 30 lbs. i'm doing it by severely restricting carbs, which works since most carbs aren't really my thing anyway. i love meat.

Most inspirational thread ever. Many PM's will abound.

I have a happy relationship with food, i love it dearly - but have had my moments of hatred...

I know i have no "reason" to watch what i eat, and i didnt have any major episode when i was young to encourage me to keep slim... I've never been anywhere near a size 10.... i'm a 6 now (zero in american sizing) but i don't think i look unhealthy. no idea how tall i am.

I'm terribly unfit. There is no correlation between size and fitness - i'm regularly asking my size 12/14 friends to slow down when we're taking a walk, a few years ago

It appears that there's a correlation between men and food here, no?
My relationships with the opposite sex can be read in detail on this board... The period during which i wrote that diary was one of the worst of my life it was hollow, meaningless and predatory - me, not them. i suffered (briefly) from anorexica athletica - i'd excersise in my room until about 4am, obsessed with burning off everything i'd eaten, didnt even think it was weird.

I got down to about 48kilos... i looked decidedly more like a junkie than is optimum, and snapped out of it - thank god.

I keep my diet in check for health reasons, not weight loss. I dont like the idea of pumping crap into my body and expecting it to operate successfully with that sort of fuel.

So now i eat out of respect for my body instead of hatred of it :)